rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
