i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
my shit smells like andre
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
