I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
