im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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