I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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