her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
