You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
