I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
