he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
