you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
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