I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
