New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
