I am puke
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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