Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
