Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
