Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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