mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
