I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
