I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
