jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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