just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
