somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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