dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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