Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
