Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
