fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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