john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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