wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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