so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
