1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
