I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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