I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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