This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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