I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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