You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
