I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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