I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
