i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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