don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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