Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
