so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
