I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
