I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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