She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
