So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Found the puke drawer
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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