I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
