Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Randomize
