I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
