i just had sex bonerless
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
