apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
